Alphabe Thursday - "S" is for Sad and Scared - February 17, 2011

"S" Is for Sad and Scared

I try to keep a smiling face,

To paint my eyes so merrily,

So people miss the pain inside,

And the fear that's haunting me.

For two years now, I'd hoped,

There might be some reprieve,

But the time has finally come,

It's been only me that I deceive.

I must give up my home,

Packing boxes lay about,

I'm glad it's just a rental,

Or I'd really scream and shout.

First you lose your job,

Then your home of thirteen years,

Then you're overwhelmed,

With a million different fears.

It's time I sorted things,

There is much to throw away,

What my sons consider "junk",

Means more than I can say.

Some are special treasures,

From friends beloved by me,

Others are parts of distant lands,

That I was blessed to see.

I know not where I'm going,

Only that I'll be alone,

My life will be far different,

Than I have every known.

I used to be adventurous,

And could easily switch gears,

But now that I am sixty-six,

I'm overwhelmed and full of fears.

I have so many aches and pains,

And, though I know it isn't true,

I feel like such a failure,

In all I tried to do.

I loved my work and did well,

And raised three sons alone,

But, there are times of late,

I feel I'm in a combat zone.

I've lost my "joie de vivre",

I hope it can be found,

I'm afraid I look as gloomy as,

A long eared basset hound!

I guess I will get through it,

It's just a bit more strife,

That's sent to prove my mettle,

And where I go in an after life! 

Carmen Henesy

Copyright (c) Carmen Henesy

February 17, 2011

I am participting in Jenny Matlock's Alphabe-Thursday - check out the site and join in the fun!

 

Magpie Tale #27 - The End is Near - August 17, 2010

Magpie Tale #27 - The End is Near - August 17, 2010

It hurt with every breath he took,

The cottage felt so cold,

He hadn't any food to eat,

He was pathetic to behold.

His grandson tried to move him,

But he said he had to stay,

Where he'd lived for sixty years,

And had joy in every day.

He didn't mind rusty water,

From plumbing beyond repair,

And even in his solitude,

He never felt despair.

He said it was temporary,

He knew the end was near,

Here, he had his memories,

Of all that he held dear.

When they came to check on him,

In just a little while,

With his wedding picture in his hand,

He lay dead and wore a smile.

Carmen Henesy

Copyright (c) 2010 by Carmen Henesy

All rights reserved

Saturday Ramblings - 4-3-10

I woke up early this morning, for some reason. This house has been eerily quiet with the three male residents away in Las Vegas for Alex's bachelor party. I never realized how much noise three testosterone filled young men can make! I guess I've just gotten used to the loud shrieks of laughter or heated debates or - heaven forbid - wrestling matches - ensuing from upstairs! I guess that's why, when Jeremy asked me if his lifelong friend, Jorell, could move in with us, I didn't bat an eye. He was almost like a son, anyway, and Alex had moved away after high school so we were a boy short in this house. Jorell's the quiet one, anyway - or, should I say, the quietest of the three. After Tuesday, when Shawn reports to Travis AFB, I won't hear his guitar strumming at all hours of the day and night. It's been part of my life as long as I can remember. Maybe I'll have to get him to make me a CD to comfort me while he's away. Uh oh, I'd better stop that or I'll be crying again. Or I'd better get all the tears done before the kids get home tomorrow night. I don't want to cry in front of Shawn.

I think I'm taking the gang to dinner at Manivanh on Monday night, just in case Shawn doesn't get back down before they deploy. It's a Thai restaurant, owned by a Laotian family, that have become friends over the last fifteen years. I'm going to write a blog about them sometime since they are truly special to me and signifigant in our lives. Every important occasion in our family has been marked by dinner there - birthdays, graduations, losses - including my job. I love the
Douangpanya family and it is only fitting that Shawn's farewell dinner be there in the midst of chicken wings, duck salad and the Carmen's Special ( I even have my own dish which is eaten by hundreds of San Franciscans! ).

I cannot believe my suitcase lies here unpacked, for over a week.  I'm in some kind of state of inertia ( well, okay, laziness ).  I've hardly stepped outside the house.  I've not even put on eyeshadow so, of course, I cannot go anywhere.  I have spent useless hours on the internet, playing FARKLE.  It is pretty sad, too, since, yesterday, I had two million points and, today, I am down to one hundred.  It is a good thing I am not playing for money. 

I am supposed to be working on a poem to be read at the wedding reception of my son, Alex, and his lovely bride-to-be, Laura.  For some reason, I have writer's block.  There is so much I want to say but I need to keep it brief.  I want there to be some humor but I want to convey how much I love this child and how happy I am that he chose such a wonderful girl ( oh gosh, here go the tears again - what is wrong with me? ).  I've come up with random verses over the last few weeks but, did I write them down?  Of course not.  That would have been too smart and I'm not functioning that way these days. 

My brother called yesterday from the extended care facility in Gwinnett, Georgia.  He had my mom in a wheelchair, sitting outdoors in the warm sun.  She is no longer going to rehab as she would not participate - I don't really think she is capable of doing so.  She is so sedated, she falls asleep constantly.  Sadly, that means she cannot ambulate.  She did, however, feed herself the other night when Charley was there and she finished her entire meal.  Apparently, the food is quite good and there is a pretty extensive menu selection which I filled out for her before I left.  Charley said she loved the okra and tomatoes....good old Southern cooking!

I will see my good friend, Joanne Olivieri, poet and blogger, and fellow jazz aficionada, for an
Easter breakfast tomorrow and a consultation about publishing my first book of poems.  She's just done her third book, this time on Amazon.com.  It's wonderful - "Nameless Faces" - but I would expect only the best from her.

Thank you all so much for your support during this time, with my mom's illness and Shawn's imminent deployment to Afghanistan.  It means so much to me.

Blessings to each and every one of you at this Easter and Passover season.  May you share it with those you love.

'K' is for "Keep The Faith" - Alphabe Thursday, 4-1-10

I am participating in Jenny Matlock's Alphabe Thursday

I've really been on an emotional roller coaster lately!  Dealing with the stroke and cardiac problems of my elderly mother and, getting her settled in an extended  care facility in Georgia, have been almost overwhelming, especially at a time when there should be so much happiness in our family.  My middle son, Alex, will be getting married in just a little over a month and he and his two brothers - and about twenty other testosterone-laden males of the species are bound for a three night sojourn in Las Vegas, starting tomorrow.

That will the locale for Alex's "bachelor" party.  My youngest and oldest sons will be driving from San Francisco to Las Vegas with a few of the other guys and a car laden with various types of alcohol ( non of it the medicinal kind ), snacks, and essentials to tide them through the weekend.  Alex, who lives in Sacramento, will fly to Las Vegas ( I think his bride-to-be feels it might be safer that way!  Perhaps she saw the movie, "The Hangover" ).

On their return, my oldest son, Shawn, who is now 39-years-old and has been an Air Force reservist for about 16 years, will be reporting to Travis Air Force Base, sixty miles north of San Francisco to await deployment with his C17 squadron ( he is an electrical engineer and works on the navigation systems for the aircraft ) to Afghanistan.  I don't want him to go.  It isn't the first time he's been activated.  In the last eight years, he's spent about three years total active duty time, most of it at Travis, replacing active military troops that went to Iraq.  He did go to Kuwait for four months and spent about six weeks on the island of Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean but, in those spots, he was pretty safe.  Afghanistan is a different story altogether.  There is a war going on and while Shawn tells me his planes will be kept in the "green" zone, I don't really think any place is that safe!  Mortars and rockets know no boundaries and, it seems to me, the Taliban and other insurgents relish attacking the "green" zone. 

I know Shawn is an adult and he made this choice to be in the reserves - I come from a military family ( my stepfather retired as an Infantry full colonel with three tours of duty in Viet Nam ) so I do understand.  Having just been in my home town of Columbus and neighboring, Ft. Benning, Georgia, it just broke my heart talking to young men and women, who looked barely old enough to be out of high school, heading off to deploy in Iraq or Afghanistran. 

Shawn has been an incredible son and big brother.  He is eleven years older than Alex and thirteen years older than Jeremy.  Their father left the family after I had extensive back surgery and never saw or supported them.  If it hadn't been for Shawn, I wonder if  we would have made it!  Every day, he would take the boys to a sitter on the way to school and pick them up in the afternoon.  I couldn't lift the little ones so Shawn took over their care ( they were one and three at the time of my surgery ).  He got me through that year and a half of disabililty and he's been there for me all of his life.

The other nice thing about him is that he's an electrical engineer and he knows all about computers.  The first time I had him add more memory to my old computer, I was really anxious when I saw the parts all over the table.  Exasperated, he looked at me and said, "Mom, if the Air Force lets me work on the computer systems for the C5, I think I can handle this HP."  Go figure, to me, he'll always be my first born, the cutest little toddler...and I'm scared for him to be in Afghanistan.  Now, I have to go get a towel because I'm bawling like crazy.  Good thing I'm downstairs and the boys are upstairs. 

Whenever I start worrying, Shawn just tells me, "Mom, you've got to keep the faith...so, that's why this Alphabe Thursday "K" is for "keep the faith" - I'll try but I'll be worrying for the whole year and I guess I'd better not watch the news.  I've been mourning for all the sad loss of life in Afghanistan and Iraq but now things are going to feel much more personal to me.

The saddest thing of all is that Shawn will probably be deployed before his brother's wedding May 7th and he was to be best man.  Alex said nobody can replace Shawn so he'll just get married without a best man if Shawn isn't here.

Tonight, I made a special dinner - Mediterranean trout - since the kids leave tomorrow for Vegas and don't get back till late Sunday and Shawn may have to report to Travis on Monday.
I am really going to miss that kid!!  He is the best company.  We sit and chat late at night, over a glass of wine, talking about travel, music, and politics.

I MUST keep the faith that he'll be back, safe and sound, in a year and, hopefully, he won't have changed too much from the experience.  I hope all of you will keep him, and our other troops, in your prayers.

Well, I guess there will be more wine for me now...but I'd rather be sharing!

Mediterranean trout

Jeremy, my impudent youngest son, telling me, "No more blog photos, Mom"

He finally gave in - so we could eat!

Shawn with his heavy beard!!!  Some folks think he looks like George Clooney.

Last Weekend in Georgia

My two youngest sons, Alex and Jeremy, flew to Atlanta last weekend to see their grandmother. I think they were fearful, if they did not, they might not see her again alive. Alex ( 27 ) brought his lovely fiance, Laura, and Jeremy ( 25 ) brought his girlfriend, Katie. Neither of them had ever met the boy's grandmother before. For me, after two weeks of dealing with my mother's stroke and cardiac problem, it meant a great deal to have them there. I picked them up at the airport, then we stopped by the extended care facility to see my mother. She seemed to recognize her grandsons but she was so tired, we did not stay long. We then drove down to Columbus where the children ( hard to call two strapping 6'4" boys "children" ) helped me finish dismantling things at my mother's house. The following day, when my brother came down with a rental truck, they loaded up furniture and we said farewell to my home town and headed back to Atlanta.

On Sunday, we returned to Gwinnett Extended Care and Grandma seemed in better spirits. She actually called her grandsons by name and responded to their banter and talked about the "pretty girls" with them. Laura showed "Grandma" her engagement ring which actually had belonged to my mother. It was all a very emotional time for me. We took pictures, of course, and, all too soon, it was time to take them to the airport.

The following day, when I visited my mother, she said, "You know, Carmen, Alex and Jeremy came yesterday with their pretty girls. It made me happy."

Since that time, my mother has had more bad days than good. The day I left to return to San Francisco, I could not even wake her up to say goodbye. At least, though, I know she is in the best place she can be and, a few times, she did know who I was and called me by name. It makes me feel good that that the visit of her grandsons afforded her some happiness.

Alex, Jeremy, Carmen and Mary Quinlan

Jeremy, Katie, and Grandma

Laura, Alex and Grandma

My boys and their girls, Laura and Katie, my brother, Charley, and his wife, Susan, my crazy nephew, Matt, who never takes a picture without making a face, and his girlfriend, Stephanie

Laura, Alex ( wearing his shirt I got at the Piazza Navonna in Rome ), Jeremy and Katie