I Am Losing My Mind ( Or Did I Ever Have One? ) - December 7, 2010

I Am Losing My Mind ( Or Did I Ever Have One? ) - December 7, 2010

I am supremely frustrated, now that my date to move from this house has been set

( the end of February ).  There is so much to do, so many things to throw away, much

 that I treasure and want to keep but where will I put it?  The items my sons call "junk"

mean something to me but they just do't understand.  I look at some of these - gifts from

friends over the years, strawberry and elephant mementos they've lovingly sent to me that

moved me to tears and do now, as I ponder giving them to Goodwill or assigning them to

the garbage.  I just cannot rid myself of these treasures, even if I must put them away in

storage and bring a few out at a time to comfort me in my new life and new space.

I may be in my van for awhile, or just rent a room somewhere until my financial situation

recovers a bit so that I can find a small apartment.  Then I can surround myself with the

objects that have meant so much to most of my life.

I'm not foolish enough to keep everything.  Some things I've given away and it hasn't
been hard atall.   Some, I liked at the time but they aren't tugging at my heart now.  Off
they go to Goodwill  where I hope someone will enjoy them as I once did.  But this
so-called "junk" that three young men sneer at derisively, stitched lovingly by my dearest
friend of almost 45 years, a tiny elephant purchased for me in Covent Grden by a beloved
forensic nurse colleague ( now a PhD ) when we were on a trip to England, antique
elephants and strawberries sent to me by the wonderful couple I always stay with when
I visit England - these things are as dear to me as gold and I can't let them go.  Once I
finally make my departure from this earth, the boys will just have to get a dumpster and
enjoy tossing it all in with a hearty heave ho.  Sorry, kids, your old mom just isn't ready yet.

To show you how preoccupied all this moving stress is making me, I really goofed this
morning.  I was up early to take Jeremy to the train and had reached in the van to put
the key in the ignition., turning it and the heater on.  Somehow, I must have locked it
and didn't even notice the beep indicating that because the radio was blaring.  I went to
get my travel of coffee to find the van locked, keys inside and, of course we couldn't
locate the second set of keys.  Jeremy was not pleased and took off on the freeway
on his friend's motorcycle.  Thankfully, the CA Automobile Association arrived in
about fifteen minutes and, within one minute, had opened the door.  It's kind of scary
how quickly someone can get into your car.

My apologies because this is so totally disorganized - kind of like me right now.  I've
been sadly remiss about responding to comments.  I'll try to get to them as I so
appreciate hearing from all of you.I'm not a Scrooge but Christmas isn't high on the
agenda this year but I am sending warm and loving thoughts to all of you at this special season.

Saturday Ramblings - 4-3-10

I woke up early this morning, for some reason. This house has been eerily quiet with the three male residents away in Las Vegas for Alex's bachelor party. I never realized how much noise three testosterone filled young men can make! I guess I've just gotten used to the loud shrieks of laughter or heated debates or - heaven forbid - wrestling matches - ensuing from upstairs! I guess that's why, when Jeremy asked me if his lifelong friend, Jorell, could move in with us, I didn't bat an eye. He was almost like a son, anyway, and Alex had moved away after high school so we were a boy short in this house. Jorell's the quiet one, anyway - or, should I say, the quietest of the three. After Tuesday, when Shawn reports to Travis AFB, I won't hear his guitar strumming at all hours of the day and night. It's been part of my life as long as I can remember. Maybe I'll have to get him to make me a CD to comfort me while he's away. Uh oh, I'd better stop that or I'll be crying again. Or I'd better get all the tears done before the kids get home tomorrow night. I don't want to cry in front of Shawn.

I think I'm taking the gang to dinner at Manivanh on Monday night, just in case Shawn doesn't get back down before they deploy. It's a Thai restaurant, owned by a Laotian family, that have become friends over the last fifteen years. I'm going to write a blog about them sometime since they are truly special to me and signifigant in our lives. Every important occasion in our family has been marked by dinner there - birthdays, graduations, losses - including my job. I love the
Douangpanya family and it is only fitting that Shawn's farewell dinner be there in the midst of chicken wings, duck salad and the Carmen's Special ( I even have my own dish which is eaten by hundreds of San Franciscans! ).

I cannot believe my suitcase lies here unpacked, for over a week.  I'm in some kind of state of inertia ( well, okay, laziness ).  I've hardly stepped outside the house.  I've not even put on eyeshadow so, of course, I cannot go anywhere.  I have spent useless hours on the internet, playing FARKLE.  It is pretty sad, too, since, yesterday, I had two million points and, today, I am down to one hundred.  It is a good thing I am not playing for money. 

I am supposed to be working on a poem to be read at the wedding reception of my son, Alex, and his lovely bride-to-be, Laura.  For some reason, I have writer's block.  There is so much I want to say but I need to keep it brief.  I want there to be some humor but I want to convey how much I love this child and how happy I am that he chose such a wonderful girl ( oh gosh, here go the tears again - what is wrong with me? ).  I've come up with random verses over the last few weeks but, did I write them down?  Of course not.  That would have been too smart and I'm not functioning that way these days. 

My brother called yesterday from the extended care facility in Gwinnett, Georgia.  He had my mom in a wheelchair, sitting outdoors in the warm sun.  She is no longer going to rehab as she would not participate - I don't really think she is capable of doing so.  She is so sedated, she falls asleep constantly.  Sadly, that means she cannot ambulate.  She did, however, feed herself the other night when Charley was there and she finished her entire meal.  Apparently, the food is quite good and there is a pretty extensive menu selection which I filled out for her before I left.  Charley said she loved the okra and tomatoes....good old Southern cooking!

I will see my good friend, Joanne Olivieri, poet and blogger, and fellow jazz aficionada, for an
Easter breakfast tomorrow and a consultation about publishing my first book of poems.  She's just done her third book, this time on Amazon.com.  It's wonderful - "Nameless Faces" - but I would expect only the best from her.

Thank you all so much for your support during this time, with my mom's illness and Shawn's imminent deployment to Afghanistan.  It means so much to me.

Blessings to each and every one of you at this Easter and Passover season.  May you share it with those you love.